Shocker: Paul Krekorian Endorses Adrin Nazarian!

Paul Krekorian today announced he was "going out on a limb and endorsing Adrin Nazarian" for Assembly.

Krekorian's endorsement of Nazarian shocked many.  It follows his endorsements of Nayiri Nahabedian for Assembly in 2010, Rafi Manoukian for Glendale City Council in 2011, and Garen Yegparian for Burbank City Council in 2009.

In other news, Krekorian today pulled his endorsement of Boston City Council candidate Ian Patrick "Paddy" O'Brian, saying his initial endorsement was "an unfortunate error."  O'brian was initially listed on campaign materials as Ian Paricobian, which apparently caused some confusion.

"I'm a Progressive who is all about empowering many nationalities and endorsing candidates from a broad spectrum of backgrounds," Krekorian said in a news release.  "Nazarian, Nahabedian, Manoukian, and Yegparian: Now that's what I call diverse!" Krekorian concluded.

Krekorian Continues To Address The Burning Issues Of The Day

The city of Los Angeles is going to hell in a hand basket.

Pension costs soar, threatening to take up a huge portion of city funding.

Electric and water rates rise significantly every few years.

Corruption reigns at many city departments.

Industry flees; people lose jobs.

It's a good thing we have Paul Krekorian on the council.  He boldly announced this week, with a major press and outreach effort, that he would boldly "look into a crosswalk."  http://northhollywood.patch.com/articles/campbell-hall-sophomore-injured-at-crosswalk-krekorian-looks-into-it

It's great to have such, well, bold leadership on the council.  Paul Krekorian for President!!!

Paul Krekorian: Only I Have Keys to Global Financial Meltdown

Los Angeles city councillord Paul Krekorian made another reasonable, credible claim Thursday: that he, and only he, has the plan for getting the world out of the financial doldrums that have plagued it for the past few years.

Krekorian was glib, as befitting a man who knows both financial markets and how to find sharks with laser beams on the black market. But insiders tell us his plan includes running an evil campaign for an evil hairy midget, and extorting the taxpayers of the Valley for one. Meelyon. Dollars.

Lord Voldemort Krekorian Uses His Powers to Distract The Wimpy Voters Of Los Angeles

Reforming LA's dysfunctional government?  Fixing the LADWP?  Solving the city's pension crisis?

You'd be mistaken if our lordly staff over here at Team Paul Krekorian could be bothered with that stuff.

As the Encino Patch recently reported, http://encino.patch.com/articles/krekorians-staff-take-a-ride-down-the-la-river , while Los Angeles burned, we here at Team Krekorian were...taking a ride down the LA river.  With your taxpayer dollars paying our salaries.  Moooohaahaahaaahaaahaaa.  Mooohahahahaha!

How strong is Paul Krekorian?  How lordly?  No one noticed.  He used his lordly powers to distract you wimpy voters so that no one gave a hoot.  Oh yes, the Kevin James for Mayor team busted a vein in their necks with apoplectic rage, but no one else seemed to notice this latest meaningless, wasteful, publicity hounding, trivial move by Lord Krekorian.  All hail Paul Krekorian!  Lord of the Second Council District!

Paul Krekorian tells Ron Kaye: I CAN get away with anything!

Today, in response to a query by former Los Angeles Daily News scribe Ron Kaye, Paul Krekorian confirmed, "I'm not stupid.  That's not it, I promise.  I really am so arrogant that I DO believe I can get away with anything."

Kaye had asked, "It's hard to be sure whether Paul Krekorian [is] completely stupid or just so cynical [he] think[s] [he] can get away with anything," after Krekorian destroyed any chance of reform by destroying the possibility of a strong Ratepayer Advocate to fight for taxpayers against the DWP.  http://ronkayela.com/2011/06/three-months-after-voters-appr.html

Krekorian boldly continued, "My total arrogance, that I can get away with anything, is limitless.  I don't wash my hands when I leave the restroom.  I pick my nose secretly but in public.  I litter in the brush near freeway offramps.  I bribe bloggers for positive coverage, but it's not obvious.  My staff spreads untrue rumors about people in the community, but no one knows we are the source.  I can do anything!"

Krekorian's comments just confirm to us at his Team 1600(tm) that Paul Krekorian is Lord.  All hail the Lord of the Second District! 

Paul Krekorian: “I was against the AEG stadium in downtown, before I was for it.”

The studly politician-y (and presidential) Paul Krekorian showed what a great politician he is by pulling an awesome flip-flop that rivals that of equally politician-y (and kind-of presidential) John Kerry.

Paul Krekorian, who got some great headlines by attacking the AEG stadium in months past, did, this past week, not only vote for the stadium deal, but also had this cherry (Kerry?) of a quote:

“I’ve looked at [the stadium] and I’ve studied [the stadium] and I’ve argued against [the stadium],” Krekorian said. But I am voting for it.

Krekorian also gave the public his word that the risks pertaining to the stadium are “non-existent.”

We here at Paul Krekorian’s Team 1600 can sleep better knowing that our man Krekorian has assured the public there is no risk with the downtown stadium, and also knowing how politician-y/presidential-like he appeared in the process.

It just goes to show our man’s diversity that he can channel AIG while approving a stadium for AEG, and that Krekori can also channel Kerry.

Councilman Paul Krekorian Makes Mitt Romney Quiver In Fear

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian has decided to issue a response to United States Presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  http://northhollywood.patch.com/articles/councilmember-paul-krekorian-to-respond-to-romney

We here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 (tm) believe that this has made Mitt Romney tremble in fear.  After all, Paul Krekorian recently crushed such hugely popular people like Chris Essel in a special election where 10% of the 2nd Council District's 250,000 people voted.  Krekorian demolished well-known and well-funded Augusto Bisani recently, who spend at least a buck fitty on his campaign!

We caught up with Romney's spokesperson outside their North Hollywood speech, and asked what they thought of Paul Krekorian's response to Mr. Romney.  "Paul who?" was the response.  "Oh yes, that's the guy who helps with assisted suicides," chimed in another aide.

We aren't buying their nonchalance. 

We know that Councilman Paul Krekorian has made Mitt Romney quiver in fear. 

We here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 know that it's because Paul Krekorian will someday be President.  Mitt Romney is just jealous of Krekorian's presidential qualities.  Yes, we know Mitt is 6'5, handsome, wealthy, and kind.  Yes, we know Paul is 4'11, 100 pounds soaking wet, looks like a lollipop head/corpse, and has the reputation for being vindictive, petty, and more bitter than deep-friend lemon rinds.  Nevertheless, we here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 still agree with the one fat, sweaty, short, hairy guy who was slobbering on himself as he ran down the street in NoHo screaming, "today Noth Hahlywoo, tomorrow the worl!!!!!"

Paul Hatfield Is Off the Payroll!

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian (R-Burbank(ish)) announced late Tuesday that blogger Paul Hatfield is "officially off payroll" and "no longer a member of Team 1600."  Krekorian took this action after it was reported that Hatfield actually published an article critical of our Lord Paul.  http://www.citywatchla.com/component/content/article/317-8box-right/1970-krekorians-nc-reform-motions-fail-to-impress

Team Krekorian was quick to reassure our many followers that Krekorian "still has many bloggers on payroll, don't worry."  As one student of the media noted, "blogging has matured, to the point where it is like newspapers were in 1930s Chicago.  Krekorian should be able to easily overcome the loss of one of his blogging team and should be able to continue to be able to buy coverage easily."

We here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 feel fine.

Councilman Paul Krekorian Pays $30 To Register Krekorian2016.com Just In Case

Burbank, CA—Councilman Paul Krekorian told reporters Friday that while he has no plans to run for president in 2016, but he has nonetheless registered Krekorian2016.com because "you never know." "I'm definitely not going to run—it's completely out of the question—but it never hurts to keep your options open," said Krekorian, whose political career has meteorically lateraled, just like his residence over the years. "It's only 30 bucks, so I figured, why not? Better safe than sorry." According to Krekorian, if he does run, which he adamantly stated he was not going to do, he's already got a few campaign slogan ideas he brainstormed "just for the hell of it."

Paul Krekorian Continues His Fight On The Controversial Issues Of The Day

Dateline, Sunland-Tujunga.  The day is June 28.  On Paul Krekorian's twitter page, Paul Krekorian selflessly, boldly, fearlessly urges his legions of followers to call the State Senate and urge them to extend the tax credits for motion picture productions.

This is a really controversial piece of legislation in California.  It is right up there with the "Love Puppies" Act of 2010 and the "Saddam Hussein is Bad" legislation of 2002.

If it passes, it will solely be due to Paul Krekorian's bold leadership to urge his twitterverse to urge their contacts to urge the legislature to do something.  Way to go Paul!

Krekorian's decisive action on the controversial issues of the day did not stop there.  This past week, Krekorian urged Congress to urge the Justice Department to urge the FBI to urge authorities in Puerto Rico to investigate a judge who let a murderer out on parole early.

We don't know about you, but we here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 (TM) are very happy that Paul Krekorian is on the Los Angeles City Council, and we thank him for his bold legislative leadership on all the controversies plaguing the City.

Krekorian Stands Grand!

We here at Paul Krekorian Team's 1600 are very upset at the Daily News for their Editorial, in which they called him out as a grandstanding career politician.  We urge all of our Team Members to boycott the Daily News.  Everyone who is in, post a comment below!  We'll show the Daily News!

Daily News Editorial: Krekorian's study on neighborhood councils is a grandstanding move

ONE thing stood out in City Councilman Paul Krekorian's announcement last week of a batch of proposals to improve Los Angeles' valuable neighborhood-council system: the word choices.
According to the press release, the ideas were the result of "a year-and-a-half's worth" of research, survey-taking, and public and committee meetings. Further, the study was "unprecedented," which it no doubt is, since neighborhood councils have been around for only a decade.

Though the ideas may be beneficial for the city's young citizen empowerment movement, the presentation of these proposals was deliberately overblown - and curious. Did Krekorian really need 18 months to reach some of the study's ambiguous conclusions and formulate the arcane proposals that the east San Fernando Valley representative put forward in four council motions? If so, is that something to be proud of?

Krekorian's not the only politician guilty of this kind of self-congratulatory tone while reciting the accomplishments of just doing his job representing the public. Indeed, in a city full of career politicians, getting credit for things big and small is just part of building the brand. Every elected official employs at least one staff member to put out press releases and spin their image in the media.

This underscores a larger

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problem with local politics: It's not enough simply to do the job of representing constituents; everyone has to know about it. Elected officials who choose not to play the game risk losing out to challengers who are better self-promoters. 

 

Still, this was a stretch. All Krekorian has accomplished so far is to get the official conversation started about how the 93 neighborhood councils can be more effective voices for their communities. Earlier this year, the Council District 2 staff conducted a survey titled "Perspectives on Neighborhood Empowerment." It drew 217 responses. Nearly half came from neighborhood council members. Among the findings: By a margin of 44 percent to 35 percent, people want a two-year delay in the next round of neighborhood-council elections while better voting systems are adopted.

So, a year-and-a-half study leads to a two-year delay in a crucial part of the process?

Another survey result highlighted on Krekorian's website is that 31 percent of respondents think the city clerk should administer neighborhood council elections, 30 percent the councils themselves should do so, 16 percent think the duty should go to the Department of Neighborhood Empowerment, and 15 percent would turn to an independent third party.

Now there's a call to action.

This is not to diminish the importance of trying to enhance the effectiveness of neighborhood councils, which grew out of the Valley secession movement of the early 2000s. Krekorian deserves credit for listening to community activists and seeking to make the system better. Elected officials should get attention for good work - but when only when credit is due.

Rudy Martinez Initiates Recall Effort Against Assemblymember Mike Feuer

Today, Paul Krekorian issued a statement denying any connection with the recall effort against California State Assemblymember Mike Feuer.  The recall is yet to be public knowledge, but Krekorian issued a statement denying his involvement anyway, “just to be early.”

Many people expressed shock that Feuer, widely seen as the front runner for City Attorney, would be the subject of a recall effort.  “He has a 100% record with Common Cause!” stated one political insider.

Meanwhile, the “Recall Feuer” effort has hired a consultant named Eric Hacopian to lead its efforts.  It kicked off the recall with great fanfare, issuing a mail piece in Feuer’s district accusing Feuer of torturing small sheep and sleeping with puppies.  Hacopian maintained his claims are “100%, rock solid truth,” in a prepared statement released, of all places, on a blog.

The recall’s claims, which echo some of the hate mail put out previously by Hacopian toward Assemblymember Mike Gatto and Los Angeles Councilman Jose Huizar, “are pure coincidence,” stated Krekorian.  “Pure coincidence.”

Here is a bio of Mike Feuer:  Elected.  Attorney.  Who lives in Los Angeles.
Here is a bio of Mike Gatto:  Elected.  Attorney.  Who lives in Los Angeles.
Here is a bio of Jose Huizar:  Elected.  Attorney.  Who lives in Los Angeles.

We stand by our man Krekorian for contributing to a wonderful political climate in Los Angeles.  It was very nice of him to pre-emptively deny any connection with the smear campaign against Mike Feuer, even before anyone else knew about it!  What a guy! 

Paul Krekorian Announces a BIG Move . . . To San Francisco!

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that his is moving to San Francisco.  Political insiders were not surprised:  Krekorian wants to be City Attorney, District Attorney, or some kind of elected attorney. 

According to Krekorian, “the Los Angeles City Attorney gig is just not a sure thing.”  Krekorian was apparently referring to the fact that Carmen “Nuch” Trutanich would first have to vacate the City Attorney position for there to be an opening in Los Angeles.

Then there are the other candidates in town.  “We tried to get rid of Jose Huizar with a nasty smear campaign,” said Krekorian.  “But he just won’t go away.”  “Plus I think Mike Feuer or Bob Hertzberg would cream me.  So I’m moving to San Francisco.  San Francisco is having some kind of Attorney race, and it’s going on right now!” said an obviously excited Krekorian.

We applaud Krekorian’s total flexibility when it comes to where he lives.  Just a few years ago, Krekorian lived in Silver Lake.  He then moved to Los Feliz.  After losing the 43RD AD race to Dario Frommer, Krekorian moved to Burbank, and ran for School Board, because it “was about the Burbank kids man.”   (See previous posts).  After staying in Burbank for a Krekorian-record 36 months, Krekorian moved to Sunland-Tujunga (ish), to run for Los Angeles City Council.  Krekorian’s campaign featured imagery and mailers that told everyone what a “Valley Guy” he was, including one where he used the word “like” 23 times in one sentence.  (“Like Krekorian, is like, a Valley Guy.”)

Movements are already afoot to emphasize Krekorian’s strong San Franciscan roots.  “I ate sourdough toast once,” Krekorian said, “and I named my kid BART.” 

We here at Paul Krekorian’s Team 1600 ™ applaud the move.  Just one more step on the road to greatness for Mr. Krekorian.  (It’s a long road, and one that involves several U-Hauls, but a road nevertheless.)

Councilman Paul Krekorian Names Most Important Issue Facing Los Angeles

Councilman Paul Krekorian, aka "Petty Paul," aka "Pouty Paul" has identified the biggest issue facing Los Angeles, indeed, one that he has directed his staff and blogging team and his Team 1600 (tm) to work on tirelessly: SEO.

SEO, for those who aren't in the know, is "Search Engine Optimization."  It is the act of manipulating search engines, like Google, to rank certain pages higher or lower in results. 

"F potholes," said one of Krekorian's City Hall staff, who prefers to remain anonymous, "We want to work on making Paul's name higher in the Google results, and also, trying to get bad shit about Paul's enemies [editor's note: see below for loooooooooooooong list of Paul's enemies] higher in the page rankings."

We spoke with Krekorian's district office staff in Sunland-Tujunga, who wholeheartedly concurred.  "Some council staffs, like Eric Garcetti's, work on tree trimming, some focus on halting bad development, some focus on open space preservation," the staffer said with a laugh.  "At Team Krekorian, we blog."

SEO has long been an issue plaguing Los Angeles.  Mayors from Antonio Villaraigosa through Fletcher Bowron and Frank Shaw have long listed SEO as a top threat plaguing the city of Angels. 

"For that reason, I have committed my staff to little besides SEO," said Krekorian.  "In fact,when I'm not feeding neighborhood councils meaningless platitudes, or spouting Republicanisms at the five remaining members of Valley VOTE, I like engaging in a little SEO myself," said the Lord of Los Angeles's Second Councilmanic district with a wink.

We here at Team 1600 applaud Paul Krekorian's courage.  Pouty Paul / Petty Paul: you are just SEOper awSEOme.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Pardons Paul Krekorian . . . For Being AWESOME!

Former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he is issuing a "retroactive pah-dun of Paul Kree Kow eean" for being "awesome."

The muscle-clad former Governor said that his pardon was based on their mutual respect, and for Krekorian being "uttahly ineffective in stopping anything I wanted to do as Guffonna."

While some groups decried the pardon as being based solely on things like Krekorian's Youth Brigade volunteers, Krekorian said he was "honored to have received a full pardon" from the Inseminator "based on my overall awesomeness."

When asked if the Sperminator's pardon would help his campaign for Council President, City Attorney, Mayor, Vice-President, and President, Krekorian was glib.  "It certainly can't hurt," Krekorian stated, noting his campaign was "already planning to do an absentee campaign to Austrian-Americans" in his next race.

Wanted: Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 Seekkks Individuals to Do Voter Registration Drive

Paul Krekorian's (R-Burbank-ish) Team 1600 (tm) is seeking several individuals (young, impressionable men) to conduct a voter registration drive (for a certain kind of voter only). 

Individuals who apply must be good at handwriting 'matching,' creativity, and conversing with (intimidating) the elderly.

Paul Krekorian's Council President / City Attorney / Mayor / Governor / President campaign begins now.

Paul Krekorian Comes (Down) Hard on Porn

At a recent City of Los Angeles hearing on the subject, Councilman Paul Krekorian came down hard on porn usage at Los Angeles City libraries. 

Krekorian insisted that the libraries just install porn filters on library computers, "like the one on my council computer." 

After hearing this suggestion, library director Humphrey T. Cottontrot stated, "Krekorian's just jealous that he and his staff have to go to the library to do their viewing, instead of doing it on their Council computers.  If we really wanted to piss them off, we'd install a no-blogging filter on Krekorian's council computer."

Beyond tackling the huge, burning issues of the day, like whether 2 homeless guys look at porn once a month on otherwise unused library computers, Krekorian also took stands this week on other controversial issues, boldly stating how he disliked people who kill cops, or people who don't like apple pie or flags. 

"Solving the Iredell Street parking issues will have to wait," said Krekorian.  "So will getting our shit together on Woodbridge Park," he added.  "Today, Paul Krekorian focuses on porn."

Paul Krekorian Sues Bernard Parks, Lemon Growers for Trademark Violation

Claiming that "no one is as bitter as he," Los Angeles City Councilman yesterday filed suit against fellow Councilman Bernard Parks, who some in the blogosphere call "Bitter Bernie."  Krekorian claimed this was "blatant trademark infringement."

The suit also named the Lemon Growers of America (LGA), who Krekorian claimed were also infringing on his trademark.  Rumor has it that a similar suit is being planned by Krekorian against the wine industry, over the term and usage of "sour grapes."

Commenters speculated about the significance of the suit, since it was a Krekorian-affiliated and paid-for blog that in the first instance coined the term "Bitter Bernie."  Krekorian refused to comment on this issue, citing the pending litigation.

Parks, however, was not so reticent.  "Why does Krekorian need to go after 'Bitter'?," Bernie asked.  "Is he not satisfied with 'Petty Paul,' or 'Choleric Krekorian,'?"

We here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 will monitor the progress of the suit and keep you posted.

Paul Krekorian, Portrait of a Man

Today, we bring you a portrait of the man, the myth. . .

Name:  Paul Krekorian

Job Title:  Los Angeles City Councilman, Lord of the Second Council District

Ambitions: Becoming Council President, World Domination

Known For:  Inventing the Question Mark, Bloggers on the Payroll, Kumbaya
 
Purpose in Life: Seeking Parity, Finding Good Company to Keep, and Sticking Up for What Is Right.

Hobbies: New Media, Blogging, Paying off Bloggers, SEO, Blogging, Mensur Fencing

Little Known "Fun Fact:"  At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved his testicles.

Paul Krekorian. Working for Estonian-Americans.

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian today announced a major initiative to reach out and benefit Estonian-Americans.  Estonia is a small country in Europe.  Estonian-Americans make up 0.000006% of Unites States citizens, and 6% of Paul Krekorian’s district.  However, Krekorian announced that he would reserve 60% of his staff positions for Estonians, and that he was launching a major effort to get Estonians involved politically.

We spoke with Friedrich von Schleppenschlatten, President of the Austrian-American Bund.  He praised Krekorian’s decision.  “Sssimply put, vee need moah Europeans to push for zer own kind,” he said. 

We here applaud Krekorian’s decision too.  He showed that he is truly a man of the people.  Especially Estonians.

JFK Assassination Mystery Finally Solved! By Paul Krekorian!

Councilman Paul Krekorian today unveiled what he says shows the “academic side of Paul Krekorian.”  An elaborate, complex paper on the Assassination of JFK.  “It was all a conspiracy,” said Krekorian.  “A c-o-n . . . speer -acy,” his voice trailing off.

Krekorian’s press secretary furthemore issued this prepared statement, “By solving a decades-long mystery of national importance, Lord Paul Krekorian has shown that he can transcend pothole politics and be a player on a broad stage.” 

Krekorian’s theory, which conspiracy buffs are already calling, “Grassy Knoll-ian,” posits that an “evil cabal” was behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy. 

Krekorian’s bold paper doesn‘t just outline a hypothesis though.  It names names.  According to Krekorian, it was Dario Frommer, Frank Quintero, Adam Schiff, Mike Gatto, Jose Huizar, Antonio Villaraigosa, John Perez, Eric Garcetti, Herb Wesson, Mitch Englander, Brad Sherman, Wendy Greuel, Parke Skelton, Dick Riordan, Tom La Bonge, Laura Friedman, Bob Hertzberg, Mike Feuer, Ron Calderon, Bob Philibosian, Phil Jennerjahn, Brian D’Arcy, Chris Essel, Chahe Keuroghelian, Victor King, Sam Manoukian, Augusto Bisani, Frank Sheftel, Jozef Essavi, David Hernandez, Andrew Westall, Jill Stewart, “and some guy named Jean-Louis Delezenne” who were all involved in the conspiracy. 

Due to the sheer size of the list, we couldn’t confirm Krekorian’s brilliant theory. 

We were able, however, to reach several of the individuals by phone.  Their reaction was uniform, “WTF, I wasn’t even born yet,” was their repeated refrain. 

When presented with these reactions, Krekorian was stubborn as always, “their reaction clearly just shows that they were part of a conspiracy,” Krekorian stated.  “Paul Krekorian will keep fighting for truth and justice.  This has nothing to do with pigheaded, blinding pettiness,” he concluded.

ANC Deifies Paul Krekorian

It's official.  The ANC announced Friday that it had deified Paul Krekorian.  It directed "All of our followers to stop worshiping a Christian God and to instead direct worship to Paul Krekorian."

Asbarez reported that worship services were already well underway.  It reported that at a recent Paul Krekorian worship ceremony at a hall in Sunland, "ten thousand gazillion fo-fillion people showed up."  The Sunland News Press reported that the hall, which has a capacity of 300, was filled with "three bald guys and a midget, performing some kind of odd sacrifice, perhaps chickens."

We at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 wish our godlike God all the best.  Godspeed!  God-errific!
 

Paul Krekorian confirms: "I was the driving force behind the Obama victory."

Today CD 2's Councilman, Paul Krekorian, confirmed that he indeed was the reason by Barack Obama won the presidency in 2008.  "Even though I didn't endorse him, I worked tirelessly behind the scenes to get him elected," said the Councilman.  Sources state that Krekorian may soon make similar revelations regarding other Presidents, including Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and Millard Fillmore.

"This shows the power behind Team Krekorian," said one unnamed member of . . . Team Krekorian.  "Around us, all success has one father, Paul Krekorian.  But for Krekorian, failure is always an orphan."

Paul Krekorian Creates Very Futuristic App to Get Trees Trimmed

Responding to his "staff's obsession with technology, the current city budget climate, and the ongoing need to grab a cheesy headline with a totally meaningless new gadget," Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian today released PaulTreekorian 1.0 (tm), a fully downloadable app that can "help the residents of CD2 schedule their trees to be trimmed."

PaulTreekorian is futuristic.  Very futuristic.  All one needs to do is take one's I-Phone or Blackberry, download the app, and boot it up.  You plug in your address and click "request tree trimming." 

The application automatically slaps your face, spouts a platitude about the city budget crisis, and schedules your trees to be trimmed in 2032.  "We believe this will greatly reduce the volume of constituents who need to call my office to get similar treatment," said Krekorian.  "This futuristic app is the future of futurey futures and how I expect to deliver constituent service in the future."

Just how futurific is Paul Treekorian (tm)?  Most council districts will see their trees trimmed by 2021.  However, 2032 is the date for CD2. 

Download your copy today at meaninglessdistraction.anotherCD2blog.wordpress.com.

 "You want your trees trimmed?  Waddya gonna do?"

Famous People With Names Like Paul Krekorian

Kirk Kerkorian - Corporate Raider

Jack Kevorkian - Dr. Death

Paul Krekorian is mas macho than either of these!

Paul Krekorian Has a Long Sexy . . . Memory!

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that he has a “long, engorged, turgid memory.”  Krekorian made the announcement as part of a campaign to remind people “not to mess with me.”  As an example of his memory, he cited the case of Derek J. Jameson.  “Derry once kicked sand in my face in the 5th Grade.  He thought I would forget.  But boy-o, no-way!  I am still very angry,” said an obviously emotional Krekorian. 

We reached Jameson, 51, an Investment Banker, at his Bel Air home for comment.  “What do you think about Paul Krekorian being upset with you?” this blog asked.  “Paul who?” was his reply.   We reminded him of the incident in his fifth grade class, forty-one years ago, upon which, with a quizzical look on his face, stated, “I’m busy” and closed the door.

Krekorian, for his part, wasn’t buying it.  “I know he is still competing with me,” said Krekorian, who promises to publish a full list of people who have “messed with me” soon.   As he departed our interview, Krekorian was muttering something unintelligible, but we made out the names Garcetti and Wesson.

Budget Savings Genius! Councilman Paul Krekorian Proposes Replacing All City Trees With Cell Phone Towers

Councilman Paul Krekorian (R-Burbank-ish / Sunland / Valley Village) today proposed a measure he believes could save the city millions in watering costs, at the same time, generating millions in revenue from corporate America: replace all of the city’s Million Trees with “those faux-tree cell phone towers.”  The idea came to him, he stated, after hearing “another goddamned complaint from some pesky constituents about a cell tower.”  See http://www.getthecellout.com/  and http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=137371419650917

Krekorian maintains that the modern cell phone companies have come up with “at least four bitchin’ designs” for “those fake tree thingees.”  They include: “Too Green Pine,” “Very Erect Oak,” “Vegas Parking Lot Palm” and “Overgrown Bonsai.” http://waynesword.palomar.edu/faketree.htm   “Think of the revenue the city could generate if we just replace all municipal trees with cell phone towers,” said Krekorian.  “Plus, if we could take the ‘water’ out of ‘Department of Water and Power,’ it might make Brian D’Arcy mad.”

Residents of the second council district, districtwide, were singing their praises of the idea.  We spoke with Jimmie Wimpel, President of the Sunland-Tujunga “Pontiac Fiero Ferrari Kit Car” Club.  “Faux is fun,” said Wimpel, his toupee flopping in the breeze.  “I wholeheartedly approve and endorse this idea.”   While environmentalists are not so sure, Krekorian’s proposal has already garnered rave reviews from a man claiming to be a board member of the Burbank Sierra Club.

So Here’s looking at you, Faux Tree Cell Phone Towers!  “They’re at least as good as rhinoplasty,” said Krekorian.

Developing Story! Krekorian Introduces Ordinance to Appoint Official City Blogger

The Paul Krekorian Blogging Team ™ announced today that it has sponsored an ordinance, introduced by Paul Krekorian, to appoint an Official City Blogger.  “My guys, both on my government staff and my political staff, run so many blogs, I just thought this was the next logical extension,” said Krekorian.  “We post on blogs all the time.  During hotly contested campaigns, some walk precincts.  We blog.  When we’re supposed to be filling potholes on city time, we blog.  When we’re supposed to be with our wives (or pursuing underage women), we blog.  We blog all the time, and so it just seems appropriate that we would introduce this ordinance,” continued Krekorian.

City Hall insiders are atwitter in their speculation as to who might get appointed Official City Blogger if Krekorian’s ordinance passes.  Krekorian noted that his team has already received “several resumes” and “hopes to receive several more, if conflict of interest paperwork clears.” 

Ever the forward thinker, Krekorian has also introduced companion legislation for the first blog posts that the Official Los Angeles City Blogger would be tasked to work on.  Topics include, “Mr. Wonderful.  How Paul Krekorian saved Burbank, and Los Angeles.”  “Paul Krekorian, Darling of the Right and the Left.”  And our personal favorite, “Paul Krekorian, Don’t Look at His DWP Bill.”

BREAKING NEWS! Republican Party to Rename “Chavez Day” to “Krekorian Day”

The Republican Parties of Wisconsin, California, and Arizona have voted unanimously to rename "Cesar Chavez Day" as “Paul Krekorian Day.” The resolutions passed during the three states’ respective conventions cited Krekorian’s tireless work on behalf of Republican causes.

“We thought it was particularly heroic when Paul Krekorian attacked public employee unions in several mail pieces in 2009,“ said Wisconsin Republican Party Chairman Dirk Hammersvold. “Krekorian predated our attacks on unions by two full years! He just ought to have a day in his honor.”

The Chair of the California Republican Party, Jane Burnednut, was not about to be outdone by her Wisconsin counterpart in praising Krekorian. “Paul Krekorian regularly appeared in cable ads for Republican candidates running against Democrats. We feel he should have a holiday named after him.”

The Arizona Republican Party Chairman could not be reached for comment, but the ARP office directed us to the text of the resolution, which cited, among other things, Krekorian’s “open dislike of the Latino Caucus” and his “utter lack of diversity on his staff” as their main reasons for signing on.

When asked how he felt about the tremendous honor, Krekorian was characteristically humble. “You know, LA City Council is a nonpartisan office,” Krekorian stated. “I’m kinda like VISA. I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

Krekorian Confirms: "I am not Lord Voldemort."

The Paul Krekorian team today issued a statement reiterating that Paul Krekorian is not, and never has been, Lord Voldemort.  Krekorian, who was similarly accused of being a vampire during his council race and by some in Sacramento, said that he felt that the issue was "closed, like the coffin they accused me of popping out of."

We interviewed one young receptionist who stated, "I actually find the Lollipop Head and ghostly pale look very attractive on a guy.  That look has got 'heroin chic' beat by a mile."

Krekorian did however note that his team is working "24-7, 365" to "rid Council District 2 and its environs from Muggle."

Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 Is Looking for 1600 Volunteers!

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Valley Glen - Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that he is looking for "1600 dedicated robots" to join his Team 1600.  Prospective volunteers must know how to handle an absentee ballot, and must look really good in a brown shirt.  

For those dear readers not getting the reference, "Team 1600" is a reference to former Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo's cadre of young devotees who, at Delgadillo's urging, developed a plan for Delgadillo to make it to the White House, aka 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

"Our team is much cooler than Delgadillo's," said Krekorian Tuesday.  "Not only will we make it to the White House just like Rocky, but we also have sharks with laser beams."  That's right, everyone: sharks with laser beams.

Even critics agree that Paul Krekorian's Road to the White House has been a meteoric rise.  Krekorian, a Los Feliz resident, first ran for office in 2000.  After losing the race for State Assembly, he moved to Burbank, and demanded the Burbank City Council appoint him to the Council, or give him "one. meeelyon. dollars."  Unperturbed at their refusal, he then decided to run for Burbank Unified School Board.  

Because, it was "all about the kids and Burbank," not necessarily in that order.

Krekorian used that School Board Seat to again run for State Assembly, defeating an opponent in spectacular fashion after his opponent's supporters (racists!) accused Paul Krekorian of having received contributions from a convicted terrorist (racists!)  The "racist!" cry went over very well in certain parts of the district.

Krekorian continued to care deeply about the voters of Burbank during his stellar legislative career that included once getting 8 votes for a bill on the Assembly floor.  "It takes a lot to get just 8 votes out of 80 Assembly Members," said Krekorian.  "But Burbank I was too busy Burbanking for my constituents in Burbank, who I loved as a resident of Burbank," said Krekorian.  "I just couldn't be concerned with legislating."  "Did I mention it was all about the kids, man?"

Krekorian was obviously thinking about those kids in Burbank when he 'moved' to Los Angeles to run for Los Angeles City Council.  "Yeah, the fact that I get a compensation package of $300,000 a year and 12 more years in public office meant nothing.  I did it for the kids of Burbank," said Krekorian.  "As Los Angeles City Councilman, I can do great thinks for Burbank schools," he continued.  "If we make LAUSD bad enough, enough kids will just move to Burbank, resulting in more per-pupil revenue there."

Krekorian was nonplussed when his lordly efforts to name his successor failed.  The plucky Krekorian picked up his marbles and went home, and has been an absolute gentleman since.  "Even though everyone says 'Paul Krekorian is both a sore loser and a sore winner,' I want the record to show that I am just plain sore," said Krekorian.  "And did I mention it was all about the kids?"

When asked about his future plans, Krekorian was coy.  But as a part of his Team 1600, we can tell you that they include:

1.  Defeating Jose Huizar for Council in March 2011.

2.  Undermining Eric Garcetti and becoming Council President by May 1, 2011.  (Krekorian's council colleagues universally adore him because he never grandstands).

3.  Running for City Attorney of Los Angeles in 2013 (see 1 above)

4.  Winning the Mayoralty of Los Angeles by 2018.

5.  Becoming Governor by 2022

6.  Running for President in 2024

As a classy guy, with no enemies, who cares deeply about the kids of Burbank, we at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 think that Paul Krekorian will be a terrific President, and that he will surely get to 1600 Pennsylvania.

Be sure to sign up to show your support by posting a comment below!!!