Paul Krekorian Sues Bernard Parks, Lemon Growers for Trademark Violation

Claiming that "no one is as bitter as he," Los Angeles City Councilman yesterday filed suit against fellow Councilman Bernard Parks, who some in the blogosphere call "Bitter Bernie."  Krekorian claimed this was "blatant trademark infringement."

The suit also named the Lemon Growers of America (LGA), who Krekorian claimed were also infringing on his trademark.  Rumor has it that a similar suit is being planned by Krekorian against the wine industry, over the term and usage of "sour grapes."

Commenters speculated about the significance of the suit, since it was a Krekorian-affiliated and paid-for blog that in the first instance coined the term "Bitter Bernie."  Krekorian refused to comment on this issue, citing the pending litigation.

Parks, however, was not so reticent.  "Why does Krekorian need to go after 'Bitter'?," Bernie asked.  "Is he not satisfied with 'Petty Paul,' or 'Choleric Krekorian,'?"

We here at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 will monitor the progress of the suit and keep you posted.

Paul Krekorian, Portrait of a Man

Today, we bring you a portrait of the man, the myth. . .

Name:  Paul Krekorian

Job Title:  Los Angeles City Councilman, Lord of the Second Council District

Ambitions: Becoming Council President, World Domination

Known For:  Inventing the Question Mark, Bloggers on the Payroll, Kumbaya
 
Purpose in Life: Seeking Parity, Finding Good Company to Keep, and Sticking Up for What Is Right.

Hobbies: New Media, Blogging, Paying off Bloggers, SEO, Blogging, Mensur Fencing

Little Known "Fun Fact:"  At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved his testicles.

Paul Krekorian. Working for Estonian-Americans.

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian today announced a major initiative to reach out and benefit Estonian-Americans.  Estonia is a small country in Europe.  Estonian-Americans make up 0.000006% of Unites States citizens, and 6% of Paul Krekorian’s district.  However, Krekorian announced that he would reserve 60% of his staff positions for Estonians, and that he was launching a major effort to get Estonians involved politically.

We spoke with Friedrich von Schleppenschlatten, President of the Austrian-American Bund.  He praised Krekorian’s decision.  “Sssimply put, vee need moah Europeans to push for zer own kind,” he said. 

We here applaud Krekorian’s decision too.  He showed that he is truly a man of the people.  Especially Estonians.

JFK Assassination Mystery Finally Solved! By Paul Krekorian!

Councilman Paul Krekorian today unveiled what he says shows the “academic side of Paul Krekorian.”  An elaborate, complex paper on the Assassination of JFK.  “It was all a conspiracy,” said Krekorian.  “A c-o-n . . . speer -acy,” his voice trailing off.

Krekorian’s press secretary furthemore issued this prepared statement, “By solving a decades-long mystery of national importance, Lord Paul Krekorian has shown that he can transcend pothole politics and be a player on a broad stage.” 

Krekorian’s theory, which conspiracy buffs are already calling, “Grassy Knoll-ian,” posits that an “evil cabal” was behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy. 

Krekorian’s bold paper doesn‘t just outline a hypothesis though.  It names names.  According to Krekorian, it was Dario Frommer, Frank Quintero, Adam Schiff, Mike Gatto, Jose Huizar, Antonio Villaraigosa, John Perez, Eric Garcetti, Herb Wesson, Mitch Englander, Brad Sherman, Wendy Greuel, Parke Skelton, Dick Riordan, Tom La Bonge, Laura Friedman, Bob Hertzberg, Mike Feuer, Ron Calderon, Bob Philibosian, Phil Jennerjahn, Brian D’Arcy, Chris Essel, Chahe Keuroghelian, Victor King, Sam Manoukian, Augusto Bisani, Frank Sheftel, Jozef Essavi, David Hernandez, Andrew Westall, Jill Stewart, “and some guy named Jean-Louis Delezenne” who were all involved in the conspiracy. 

Due to the sheer size of the list, we couldn’t confirm Krekorian’s brilliant theory. 

We were able, however, to reach several of the individuals by phone.  Their reaction was uniform, “WTF, I wasn’t even born yet,” was their repeated refrain. 

When presented with these reactions, Krekorian was stubborn as always, “their reaction clearly just shows that they were part of a conspiracy,” Krekorian stated.  “Paul Krekorian will keep fighting for truth and justice.  This has nothing to do with pigheaded, blinding pettiness,” he concluded.

ANC Deifies Paul Krekorian

It's official.  The ANC announced Friday that it had deified Paul Krekorian.  It directed "All of our followers to stop worshiping a Christian God and to instead direct worship to Paul Krekorian."

Asbarez reported that worship services were already well underway.  It reported that at a recent Paul Krekorian worship ceremony at a hall in Sunland, "ten thousand gazillion fo-fillion people showed up."  The Sunland News Press reported that the hall, which has a capacity of 300, was filled with "three bald guys and a midget, performing some kind of odd sacrifice, perhaps chickens."

We at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 wish our godlike God all the best.  Godspeed!  God-errific!
 

Paul Krekorian confirms: "I was the driving force behind the Obama victory."

Today CD 2's Councilman, Paul Krekorian, confirmed that he indeed was the reason by Barack Obama won the presidency in 2008.  "Even though I didn't endorse him, I worked tirelessly behind the scenes to get him elected," said the Councilman.  Sources state that Krekorian may soon make similar revelations regarding other Presidents, including Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and Millard Fillmore.

"This shows the power behind Team Krekorian," said one unnamed member of . . . Team Krekorian.  "Around us, all success has one father, Paul Krekorian.  But for Krekorian, failure is always an orphan."

Paul Krekorian Creates Very Futuristic App to Get Trees Trimmed

Responding to his "staff's obsession with technology, the current city budget climate, and the ongoing need to grab a cheesy headline with a totally meaningless new gadget," Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian today released PaulTreekorian 1.0 (tm), a fully downloadable app that can "help the residents of CD2 schedule their trees to be trimmed."

PaulTreekorian is futuristic.  Very futuristic.  All one needs to do is take one's I-Phone or Blackberry, download the app, and boot it up.  You plug in your address and click "request tree trimming." 

The application automatically slaps your face, spouts a platitude about the city budget crisis, and schedules your trees to be trimmed in 2032.  "We believe this will greatly reduce the volume of constituents who need to call my office to get similar treatment," said Krekorian.  "This futuristic app is the future of futurey futures and how I expect to deliver constituent service in the future."

Just how futurific is Paul Treekorian (tm)?  Most council districts will see their trees trimmed by 2021.  However, 2032 is the date for CD2. 

Download your copy today at meaninglessdistraction.anotherCD2blog.wordpress.com.

 "You want your trees trimmed?  Waddya gonna do?"

Famous People With Names Like Paul Krekorian

Kirk Kerkorian - Corporate Raider

Jack Kevorkian - Dr. Death

Paul Krekorian is mas macho than either of these!

Paul Krekorian Has a Long Sexy . . . Memory!

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that he has a “long, engorged, turgid memory.”  Krekorian made the announcement as part of a campaign to remind people “not to mess with me.”  As an example of his memory, he cited the case of Derek J. Jameson.  “Derry once kicked sand in my face in the 5th Grade.  He thought I would forget.  But boy-o, no-way!  I am still very angry,” said an obviously emotional Krekorian. 

We reached Jameson, 51, an Investment Banker, at his Bel Air home for comment.  “What do you think about Paul Krekorian being upset with you?” this blog asked.  “Paul who?” was his reply.   We reminded him of the incident in his fifth grade class, forty-one years ago, upon which, with a quizzical look on his face, stated, “I’m busy” and closed the door.

Krekorian, for his part, wasn’t buying it.  “I know he is still competing with me,” said Krekorian, who promises to publish a full list of people who have “messed with me” soon.   As he departed our interview, Krekorian was muttering something unintelligible, but we made out the names Garcetti and Wesson.

Budget Savings Genius! Councilman Paul Krekorian Proposes Replacing All City Trees With Cell Phone Towers

Councilman Paul Krekorian (R-Burbank-ish / Sunland / Valley Village) today proposed a measure he believes could save the city millions in watering costs, at the same time, generating millions in revenue from corporate America: replace all of the city’s Million Trees with “those faux-tree cell phone towers.”  The idea came to him, he stated, after hearing “another goddamned complaint from some pesky constituents about a cell tower.”  See http://www.getthecellout.com/  and http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=137371419650917

Krekorian maintains that the modern cell phone companies have come up with “at least four bitchin’ designs” for “those fake tree thingees.”  They include: “Too Green Pine,” “Very Erect Oak,” “Vegas Parking Lot Palm” and “Overgrown Bonsai.” http://waynesword.palomar.edu/faketree.htm   “Think of the revenue the city could generate if we just replace all municipal trees with cell phone towers,” said Krekorian.  “Plus, if we could take the ‘water’ out of ‘Department of Water and Power,’ it might make Brian D’Arcy mad.”

Residents of the second council district, districtwide, were singing their praises of the idea.  We spoke with Jimmie Wimpel, President of the Sunland-Tujunga “Pontiac Fiero Ferrari Kit Car” Club.  “Faux is fun,” said Wimpel, his toupee flopping in the breeze.  “I wholeheartedly approve and endorse this idea.”   While environmentalists are not so sure, Krekorian’s proposal has already garnered rave reviews from a man claiming to be a board member of the Burbank Sierra Club.

So Here’s looking at you, Faux Tree Cell Phone Towers!  “They’re at least as good as rhinoplasty,” said Krekorian.

Developing Story! Krekorian Introduces Ordinance to Appoint Official City Blogger

The Paul Krekorian Blogging Team ™ announced today that it has sponsored an ordinance, introduced by Paul Krekorian, to appoint an Official City Blogger.  “My guys, both on my government staff and my political staff, run so many blogs, I just thought this was the next logical extension,” said Krekorian.  “We post on blogs all the time.  During hotly contested campaigns, some walk precincts.  We blog.  When we’re supposed to be filling potholes on city time, we blog.  When we’re supposed to be with our wives (or pursuing underage women), we blog.  We blog all the time, and so it just seems appropriate that we would introduce this ordinance,” continued Krekorian.

City Hall insiders are atwitter in their speculation as to who might get appointed Official City Blogger if Krekorian’s ordinance passes.  Krekorian noted that his team has already received “several resumes” and “hopes to receive several more, if conflict of interest paperwork clears.” 

Ever the forward thinker, Krekorian has also introduced companion legislation for the first blog posts that the Official Los Angeles City Blogger would be tasked to work on.  Topics include, “Mr. Wonderful.  How Paul Krekorian saved Burbank, and Los Angeles.”  “Paul Krekorian, Darling of the Right and the Left.”  And our personal favorite, “Paul Krekorian, Don’t Look at His DWP Bill.”

BREAKING NEWS! Republican Party to Rename “Chavez Day” to “Krekorian Day”

The Republican Parties of Wisconsin, California, and Arizona have voted unanimously to rename "Cesar Chavez Day" as “Paul Krekorian Day.” The resolutions passed during the three states’ respective conventions cited Krekorian’s tireless work on behalf of Republican causes.

“We thought it was particularly heroic when Paul Krekorian attacked public employee unions in several mail pieces in 2009,“ said Wisconsin Republican Party Chairman Dirk Hammersvold. “Krekorian predated our attacks on unions by two full years! He just ought to have a day in his honor.”

The Chair of the California Republican Party, Jane Burnednut, was not about to be outdone by her Wisconsin counterpart in praising Krekorian. “Paul Krekorian regularly appeared in cable ads for Republican candidates running against Democrats. We feel he should have a holiday named after him.”

The Arizona Republican Party Chairman could not be reached for comment, but the ARP office directed us to the text of the resolution, which cited, among other things, Krekorian’s “open dislike of the Latino Caucus” and his “utter lack of diversity on his staff” as their main reasons for signing on.

When asked how he felt about the tremendous honor, Krekorian was characteristically humble. “You know, LA City Council is a nonpartisan office,” Krekorian stated. “I’m kinda like VISA. I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

Krekorian Confirms: "I am not Lord Voldemort."

The Paul Krekorian team today issued a statement reiterating that Paul Krekorian is not, and never has been, Lord Voldemort.  Krekorian, who was similarly accused of being a vampire during his council race and by some in Sacramento, said that he felt that the issue was "closed, like the coffin they accused me of popping out of."

We interviewed one young receptionist who stated, "I actually find the Lollipop Head and ghostly pale look very attractive on a guy.  That look has got 'heroin chic' beat by a mile."

Krekorian did however note that his team is working "24-7, 365" to "rid Council District 2 and its environs from Muggle."

Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 Is Looking for 1600 Volunteers!

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Valley Glen - Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that he is looking for "1600 dedicated robots" to join his Team 1600.  Prospective volunteers must know how to handle an absentee ballot, and must look really good in a brown shirt.  

For those dear readers not getting the reference, "Team 1600" is a reference to former Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo's cadre of young devotees who, at Delgadillo's urging, developed a plan for Delgadillo to make it to the White House, aka 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

"Our team is much cooler than Delgadillo's," said Krekorian Tuesday.  "Not only will we make it to the White House just like Rocky, but we also have sharks with laser beams."  That's right, everyone: sharks with laser beams.

Even critics agree that Paul Krekorian's Road to the White House has been a meteoric rise.  Krekorian, a Los Feliz resident, first ran for office in 2000.  After losing the race for State Assembly, he moved to Burbank, and demanded the Burbank City Council appoint him to the Council, or give him "one. meeelyon. dollars."  Unperturbed at their refusal, he then decided to run for Burbank Unified School Board.  

Because, it was "all about the kids and Burbank," not necessarily in that order.

Krekorian used that School Board Seat to again run for State Assembly, defeating an opponent in spectacular fashion after his opponent's supporters (racists!) accused Paul Krekorian of having received contributions from a convicted terrorist (racists!)  The "racist!" cry went over very well in certain parts of the district.

Krekorian continued to care deeply about the voters of Burbank during his stellar legislative career that included once getting 8 votes for a bill on the Assembly floor.  "It takes a lot to get just 8 votes out of 80 Assembly Members," said Krekorian.  "But Burbank I was too busy Burbanking for my constituents in Burbank, who I loved as a resident of Burbank," said Krekorian.  "I just couldn't be concerned with legislating."  "Did I mention it was all about the kids, man?"

Krekorian was obviously thinking about those kids in Burbank when he 'moved' to Los Angeles to run for Los Angeles City Council.  "Yeah, the fact that I get a compensation package of $300,000 a year and 12 more years in public office meant nothing.  I did it for the kids of Burbank," said Krekorian.  "As Los Angeles City Councilman, I can do great thinks for Burbank schools," he continued.  "If we make LAUSD bad enough, enough kids will just move to Burbank, resulting in more per-pupil revenue there."

Krekorian was nonplussed when his lordly efforts to name his successor failed.  The plucky Krekorian picked up his marbles and went home, and has been an absolute gentleman since.  "Even though everyone says 'Paul Krekorian is both a sore loser and a sore winner,' I want the record to show that I am just plain sore," said Krekorian.  "And did I mention it was all about the kids?"

When asked about his future plans, Krekorian was coy.  But as a part of his Team 1600, we can tell you that they include:

1.  Defeating Jose Huizar for Council in March 2011.

2.  Undermining Eric Garcetti and becoming Council President by May 1, 2011.  (Krekorian's council colleagues universally adore him because he never grandstands).

3.  Running for City Attorney of Los Angeles in 2013 (see 1 above)

4.  Winning the Mayoralty of Los Angeles by 2018.

5.  Becoming Governor by 2022

6.  Running for President in 2024

As a classy guy, with no enemies, who cares deeply about the kids of Burbank, we at Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 think that Paul Krekorian will be a terrific President, and that he will surely get to 1600 Pennsylvania.

Be sure to sign up to show your support by posting a comment below!!!