Paul Krekorian Announces a BIG Move . . . To San Francisco!

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Krekorian announced today that his is moving to San Francisco.  Political insiders were not surprised:  Krekorian wants to be City Attorney, District Attorney, or some kind of elected attorney. 

According to Krekorian, “the Los Angeles City Attorney gig is just not a sure thing.”  Krekorian was apparently referring to the fact that Carmen “Nuch” Trutanich would first have to vacate the City Attorney position for there to be an opening in Los Angeles.

Then there are the other candidates in town.  “We tried to get rid of Jose Huizar with a nasty smear campaign,” said Krekorian.  “But he just won’t go away.”  “Plus I think Mike Feuer or Bob Hertzberg would cream me.  So I’m moving to San Francisco.  San Francisco is having some kind of Attorney race, and it’s going on right now!” said an obviously excited Krekorian.

We applaud Krekorian’s total flexibility when it comes to where he lives.  Just a few years ago, Krekorian lived in Silver Lake.  He then moved to Los Feliz.  After losing the 43RD AD race to Dario Frommer, Krekorian moved to Burbank, and ran for School Board, because it “was about the Burbank kids man.”   (See previous posts).  After staying in Burbank for a Krekorian-record 36 months, Krekorian moved to Sunland-Tujunga (ish), to run for Los Angeles City Council.  Krekorian’s campaign featured imagery and mailers that told everyone what a “Valley Guy” he was, including one where he used the word “like” 23 times in one sentence.  (“Like Krekorian, is like, a Valley Guy.”)

Movements are already afoot to emphasize Krekorian’s strong San Franciscan roots.  “I ate sourdough toast once,” Krekorian said, “and I named my kid BART.” 

We here at Paul Krekorian’s Team 1600 ™ applaud the move.  Just one more step on the road to greatness for Mr. Krekorian.  (It’s a long road, and one that involves several U-Hauls, but a road nevertheless.)

Councilman Paul Krekorian Names Most Important Issue Facing Los Angeles

Councilman Paul Krekorian, aka "Petty Paul," aka "Pouty Paul" has identified the biggest issue facing Los Angeles, indeed, one that he has directed his staff and blogging team and his Team 1600 (tm) to work on tirelessly: SEO.

SEO, for those who aren't in the know, is "Search Engine Optimization."  It is the act of manipulating search engines, like Google, to rank certain pages higher or lower in results. 

"F potholes," said one of Krekorian's City Hall staff, who prefers to remain anonymous, "We want to work on making Paul's name higher in the Google results, and also, trying to get bad shit about Paul's enemies [editor's note: see below for loooooooooooooong list of Paul's enemies] higher in the page rankings."

We spoke with Krekorian's district office staff in Sunland-Tujunga, who wholeheartedly concurred.  "Some council staffs, like Eric Garcetti's, work on tree trimming, some focus on halting bad development, some focus on open space preservation," the staffer said with a laugh.  "At Team Krekorian, we blog."

SEO has long been an issue plaguing Los Angeles.  Mayors from Antonio Villaraigosa through Fletcher Bowron and Frank Shaw have long listed SEO as a top threat plaguing the city of Angels. 

"For that reason, I have committed my staff to little besides SEO," said Krekorian.  "In fact,when I'm not feeding neighborhood councils meaningless platitudes, or spouting Republicanisms at the five remaining members of Valley VOTE, I like engaging in a little SEO myself," said the Lord of Los Angeles's Second Councilmanic district with a wink.

We here at Team 1600 applaud Paul Krekorian's courage.  Pouty Paul / Petty Paul: you are just SEOper awSEOme.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Pardons Paul Krekorian . . . For Being AWESOME!

Former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he is issuing a "retroactive pah-dun of Paul Kree Kow eean" for being "awesome."

The muscle-clad former Governor said that his pardon was based on their mutual respect, and for Krekorian being "uttahly ineffective in stopping anything I wanted to do as Guffonna."

While some groups decried the pardon as being based solely on things like Krekorian's Youth Brigade volunteers, Krekorian said he was "honored to have received a full pardon" from the Inseminator "based on my overall awesomeness."

When asked if the Sperminator's pardon would help his campaign for Council President, City Attorney, Mayor, Vice-President, and President, Krekorian was glib.  "It certainly can't hurt," Krekorian stated, noting his campaign was "already planning to do an absentee campaign to Austrian-Americans" in his next race.

Wanted: Paul Krekorian's Team 1600 Seekkks Individuals to Do Voter Registration Drive

Paul Krekorian's (R-Burbank-ish) Team 1600 (tm) is seeking several individuals (young, impressionable men) to conduct a voter registration drive (for a certain kind of voter only). 

Individuals who apply must be good at handwriting 'matching,' creativity, and conversing with (intimidating) the elderly.

Paul Krekorian's Council President / City Attorney / Mayor / Governor / President campaign begins now.

Paul Krekorian Comes (Down) Hard on Porn

At a recent City of Los Angeles hearing on the subject, Councilman Paul Krekorian came down hard on porn usage at Los Angeles City libraries. 

Krekorian insisted that the libraries just install porn filters on library computers, "like the one on my council computer." 

After hearing this suggestion, library director Humphrey T. Cottontrot stated, "Krekorian's just jealous that he and his staff have to go to the library to do their viewing, instead of doing it on their Council computers.  If we really wanted to piss them off, we'd install a no-blogging filter on Krekorian's council computer."

Beyond tackling the huge, burning issues of the day, like whether 2 homeless guys look at porn once a month on otherwise unused library computers, Krekorian also took stands this week on other controversial issues, boldly stating how he disliked people who kill cops, or people who don't like apple pie or flags. 

"Solving the Iredell Street parking issues will have to wait," said Krekorian.  "So will getting our shit together on Woodbridge Park," he added.  "Today, Paul Krekorian focuses on porn."